I was dumb. When I built this character, I was able to buy a lot of nifty advantages (high int, high charisma, reasonably good con) with one single disadvantage: Depression. I didn't read all the small print, though, because that single disad means that most of my life has been spent struggling to maintain myself at what most people seem to consider a "normal" level of functioning. I've put a lot of work, multiple years' worth, into workarounds and desperate attempts at short-circuiting the depressive cycle (most of which didn't work anyway). The net result of this has actually been positive, I think. I'm now in an excellent position to recompile my entire personality, though figuring out how to do just that has been--challenging. It's good work, and I'm happy to be doing it. Sometimes, the depression bites, and I lose a few days (or weeks, or a couple of months), but usually I'm left to my own devices.
That said--a critical fumble doesn't have to be the end of the game. Yes, there are times when rolling a 1 will result in having to roll up a whole new character, but usually, it's just a temporary unpleasantness. Especially when you're adventuring with a party that you can rely on. It's harder when you're soloing, when the whole scene is entirely dependent on just you, but when you have companions that you know are competent, they can help you recover from fumbles.
My impulse is to tell you that you're overthinking things, but 1. I don't think that "overthinking" is ever actually a problem, and 2. I understand exactly where your anxieties are coming from. You're hacking your own neural software. It's the only way to get optimal performance out of any system, but there is always, always, always, no matter how careful you are, the possibility that you'll make a bad connection and end up with a BSOD.
But the reality is that it's very difficult to change your mind permanently and quickly in a negative way. It's possible, but it's very unlikely. At most, you will have to deal with some level of unpleasantness for some amount of time, but eventually, all things change. It's a frightening thought, but it's also comforting, especially when you realize that if you're willing to accept the consequences of making bad choices, and if you're careful in building a support structure for yourself that will allow you the possibility of making mistakes without complete self-destruction, you have the power and the freedom to make positive changes in every aspect of your life.
I realize that there's two notes I'm hitting over and over--failure is temporary, it's not the end of the world; and a good support structure will help you weather even more failure, and grow from it in positive ways. Those are things I have a lot of trouble keeping in mind sometimes, and it's taken me decades to figure them out.
I'm afraid I can't answer your specific current problem. I know the feeling, very very well, of frustration at knowing exactly what the problem is, and having a pretty good idea of what would fix it, without having the slightest clue about how bring the fix about. Standing here, you can see there, but there's a deep chasm in between that seems to be full of possibly boiling water and maybe piranhas? also it's impossible to fly over because wind, also it's infinitely wide, and all you have in your pockets is a pair of nail clippers and a couple of rubber bands.
It's fascinating, harrowing, challenging work, and ultimately, I think that the work of learning yourself and learning how to change your self is the most important work that a person can do.
Also, I'd like to come over and visit sometime, with "sometime" being "probably not anytime real soon because I don't have a car that can go on freeways and I'm unable to use buses at my current residence, which will change when I move probably in May but until then probably not so much." I've been realizing lately how badly I've been needing and missing reinforcement of my nonhuman nature. There's stuff I need to talk about and work out, and as much as I love the people around me and as great as they are at giving me support, they just don't get it, and can't help me answer some of these questions. The Internets is good, but I also need in-person support, every once in a while.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2013-01-23 11:58 pm (UTC)I was dumb. When I built this character, I was able to buy a lot of nifty advantages (high int, high charisma, reasonably good con) with one single disadvantage: Depression. I didn't read all the small print, though, because that single disad means that most of my life has been spent struggling to maintain myself at what most people seem to consider a "normal" level of functioning. I've put a lot of work, multiple years' worth, into workarounds and desperate attempts at short-circuiting the depressive cycle (most of which didn't work anyway). The net result of this has actually been positive, I think. I'm now in an excellent position to recompile my entire personality, though figuring out how to do just that has been--challenging. It's good work, and I'm happy to be doing it. Sometimes, the depression bites, and I lose a few days (or weeks, or a couple of months), but usually I'm left to my own devices.
That said--a critical fumble doesn't have to be the end of the game. Yes, there are times when rolling a 1 will result in having to roll up a whole new character, but usually, it's just a temporary unpleasantness. Especially when you're adventuring with a party that you can rely on. It's harder when you're soloing, when the whole scene is entirely dependent on just you, but when you have companions that you know are competent, they can help you recover from fumbles.
My impulse is to tell you that you're overthinking things, but 1. I don't think that "overthinking" is ever actually a problem, and 2. I understand exactly where your anxieties are coming from. You're hacking your own neural software. It's the only way to get optimal performance out of any system, but there is always, always, always, no matter how careful you are, the possibility that you'll make a bad connection and end up with a BSOD.
But the reality is that it's very difficult to change your mind permanently and quickly in a negative way. It's possible, but it's very unlikely. At most, you will have to deal with some level of unpleasantness for some amount of time, but eventually, all things change. It's a frightening thought, but it's also comforting, especially when you realize that if you're willing to accept the consequences of making bad choices, and if you're careful in building a support structure for yourself that will allow you the possibility of making mistakes without complete self-destruction, you have the power and the freedom to make positive changes in every aspect of your life.
I realize that there's two notes I'm hitting over and over--failure is temporary, it's not the end of the world; and a good support structure will help you weather even more failure, and grow from it in positive ways. Those are things I have a lot of trouble keeping in mind sometimes, and it's taken me decades to figure them out.
I'm afraid I can't answer your specific current problem. I know the feeling, very very well, of frustration at knowing exactly what the problem is, and having a pretty good idea of what would fix it, without having the slightest clue about how bring the fix about. Standing here, you can see there, but there's a deep chasm in between that seems to be full of possibly boiling water and maybe piranhas? also it's impossible to fly over because wind, also it's infinitely wide, and all you have in your pockets is a pair of nail clippers and a couple of rubber bands.
It's fascinating, harrowing, challenging work, and ultimately, I think that the work of learning yourself and learning how to change your self is the most important work that a person can do.
Also, I'd like to come over and visit sometime, with "sometime" being "probably not anytime real soon because I don't have a car that can go on freeways and I'm unable to use buses at my current residence, which will change when I move probably in May but until then probably not so much." I've been realizing lately how badly I've been needing and missing reinforcement of my nonhuman nature. There's stuff I need to talk about and work out, and as much as I love the people around me and as great as they are at giving me support, they just don't get it, and can't help me answer some of these questions. The Internets is good, but I also need in-person support, every once in a while.
... OMG THIS IS LONG LOL HI.