goldkin: paradice avatar (paradice avatar)
[personal profile] goldkin
I have a chronic fear of visible failure. This is especially true in the context of potential passive-aggressive and resentful behavior.

I attribute much of this to my heritage: among other social values, my family raised me to only present my best successes to the world and secretly hide all of my failures. Meanwhile, I grew up in an extremely extroverted and charisma-based society that was heavily obsessed with cataloging and preserving gossip.

This ill-equipped me to build an identity for myself, as identity construction took more of a back seat to manipulating my social image to prevent exposure. It made me paranoid: I simply couldn't let my non-Christian spirituality, my bizarre kinks, or my personal desire to be with other like-minded people, out of my head. I was quizzed for compliance regularly, and in middle and high school, openly attacked if I failed this compliance check on a semi-daily basis.

This acquired fear and manipulative tendency quickly made me a highly competent social chameleon in my then-home state. However, this failed utterly around people whom knew me better, spent longer amounts of time around me, and generally anyone with whom I tried to maintain a long-lasting and ongoing social relationship with or wanted to get to know better. They got to see someone that is extremely evasive, persnickety, and uncomfortable about people getting close to him, for the simple fear that they'll see through the facade and not like what they see. This even applies self-referentially: I'm not convinced I'm an especially good person, for the simple reason that I do not actually know the sort of person that I am.

Which is bizarre, in a way. Based upon my prior actions and early life, I am a primarily loving and caring individual. I am highly tactile; I love elegance, and I love bringing light and joy into this world. Yet this is all buried under a dour, faux-stoic veneer that makes me completely unapproachable by the people I'd like to do so.

I am trying to conquer this fear, because it's costing me dearly. I would also like the luxury of camaraderie, and of being able to develop my identity without seeming false. I certainly have some form of a current identity: I evaluate strongly between asexual and male, as otherkin, and certainly as a dragon on a very regular and healthy basis (among other recreational forms). But, there is this entire spectrum of matters I am too fearful, too evasive, or just plain too uneasy to talk about, for the simple reason it risks me exposure.

Perhaps as a result, I am deeply jealous of those I know whom have a public identity that works for them. I am more opaque; not by choice, but because I have yet to experience better.

Date: 2013-06-05 10:49 am (UTC)
tayruu: (confused)
From: [personal profile] tayruu
I wish I could give some sort of advice, but as you may have observed, I am in a similar boat. Or perhaps my fretting on Twitter made you write this. Perhaps if I could be more public about facets, I would be more confident about said facets.

I don't seem to believe most people understand there is a separation between the individual and the label. The obsession with cataloguing, as you put it. If I revealed a part of myself once hidden, others will group me with particular vocal minorities. As an artist looking to make money in the future, I am not looking to do anything that would discourage clients.

Transparency isn't necessarily a good thing. I think the lines "What was so much of transparency / turned into bright expectation." from Persona 4 Animation's first opening reflect an opinion of mine well. If someone is so outward and revealing about themselves, it results in expectations and assumptions by others. Not everyone needs to know every element of someone or their life. I feel like some social networks over-encourage this, though that may be a different discussion...

... I tried my very best to cut a lot of rambling about myself out to better deliver my point, I don't know how successful I was.

Date: 2013-06-05 07:03 pm (UTC)
teaotter: a dark haired woman in sunlight (Default)
From: [personal profile] teaotter
Boy, do I sympathize with this. It's taken me a couple of decades to deprogram from my family, and I'm still more likely to hide or lie when stressed than to tell the truth.

There are people who talk about "authenticity" as if it's an easy thing, and maybe it is for them. But I have no concept of being "in the moment," "authentic," or "honest" without having made the conscious decision and effort to be so. Along with dealing with the accompanying doubt that I'm actually being honest -- after all, if I have to consciously craft an "honest" persona, how honest can it be?

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