goldkin: i has book (Default)
Over the past few weeks, a strange sense of peace has settled its way into my life. I'm not sure what to make of it, but it's brought gifts and emotions that I'd thought long since forgotten.

This is due, in part, to reprising my spiritual practice, taking up meditation (read: picking up where I left off), and otherwise simplifying my outlook on life. It's also due to crafting a more relaxed schedule at work and easing my life at home. All of this has reminded me just how much I value simplification, and exactly why I care about Zen the ways I do.*

Most startling of all, I find myself genuinely happy. This snuck up on me entirely without warning, implying that I require surprisingly little to just enjoy my surroundings, my time, and my method of living life. And it's left me entirely without posting buffer as a result, implying I'd spent far too much time complaining and far too little writing posts like this one.

So, it's interesting that I'd be jarred out of this state of complacency peace-of-mind by an interview offer from Amazon. What's there isn't a bad fit by any means, but it's reminded me both of my weaknesses in the market, and the sheer fact that I don't care very much about them.

I guess where I'm going with this is, I'm finally seeing things from the other side. Whereas I spent the previous year looking down at everything I'd left behind, or forgotten, or generally failed to do in the past decade from an external perspective, now I'm spending time looking forward from right here and now. I'm finding that I require very little to just enjoy being myself, and in fact, I'm genuinely happy right where I am.

The promise of Better Things, Higher Income, or Greater Perks just isn't what I'm driven by at all. In fact, it's entirely antithetical to my outlook on life.

As I sit here typing this, I find that I have little or no drive for external reward whatsoever. I suppose I'm much more introverted than I'd originally gave myself credit for, and because of it, am more interested in the intrinsic rewards of healthy reading, meditation, and spiritual practice.

In other words, even though I have a pay raise waving in my face, I don't require it. I'm happy where I am. And even though I doubt I'd make it in (my algorithmic theory is depressingly weak by market standards), I find that I actually enjoy where I work right now, making the whole issue moot.

This isn't to say that I'm uninterested in mental or spiritual growth. Rather, I acknowledge that these goals have no tie to the externalities of that market and are entirely my own. I'm very interested in brushing up on my higher order math and algorithmic theory, for instance -- not because it'll gain me a high paying job at some future point in the market, but because I'm genuinely intrigued by the simplicity of complex problems and in working wonders with very simple tools. And I'm very interested in keeping my spiritual practices, not because I think they'll give me some attainable reward, but because they offer the balance, simplicity, and happiness that I've striven for my entire life.

In other words, it's no longer about benchmarking myself against other people. In fact, it never has been. I simply needed to inspect my life for its base elements and realize: I'm exactly where I want to be.

So, what's next? I'm not really sure. Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll enjoy it. :)

* Zen being my significant other. She rather likes the name, even though it causes Much Confusion as I bring other forms of Zen into my life.

October 2015

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