Formulative Paralysis
Jul. 6th, 2010 12:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
goldkinIn reflecting over the past several years, I'm surprised by how quiet and complacent I've been in finding my own identity. This led me down many paths -- most, blind alleys and precarious loops around the same topic -- that seemed like good ideas at the time, but served only to stunt my attempts to understand this world and those who live here.
Breaking the silence was the first step toward repairing the damage. While that level of prolificism hasn't made its way here (as I'm notoriously bad at keeping up with public journals), the experience has resulted in a complete removal of the cynicism I've held toward spiritual discussion and the blanket classification of "otherkin" over the past decade. I'm coming to realize, after finding some approximation of community, that my views, experiences, and closely-held existential beliefs are strikingly common on a level I had not anticipated.*
Now, before I continue, this is a topic completely separate from discovering my own draconity and finding shared identity online. I made that discovery nearly eight years ago, after an additional four years of raking myself over coals on whether the issue was a meaningful part of my life.
Rather, this is an entirely horizontal experience -- finding, for the first time, that my cynicism isn't getting in the way of my better judgment. Suddenly, I can actually understand and appreciate what's being said in the draconic and spiritual sections of Dreamwidth, LiveJournal, et al.
While this discovery shouldn't surprise current readership, this is actually A New Thing for me. It stands as a personal shame that, being entirely too cynical to explore the journaling communities further (in 2003!), it took me seven years and a move to figure this out.
Suddenly, this flips me from worrying that an abstract "people" would out me as crazy (for any definition, they will, regardless of my views), to stumbling blindly into a well-defined audience that already knows exactly what I'm talking about. This leaves my opinions as also-rans, and myself with little to add to the conversation.
This is supremely frustrating for me, and stands as the top reason my journaling habits are so poor. It isn't that I lack things to say; I simply feel that, somewhere, someone has already said them far better than I.
Of course, I feel the same way about this post. I'm only letting it escape now, for my lack of finding a poorly-defined "somewhere," and simple need of advice.**
What are your views on the journaling draconic community as it currently exists, and how could a reformed cynic (and virtual-reality engineer) aid discussion in a way that wouldn't be noise?
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* With the proviso that, yes, this could be my own form of confirmation bias, overly-aggressive inductive reasoning, or a similar misunderstanding on my part. I do not think this is the case, but with only conversation logs spanning to 2006 to back me up, it's difficult to tell.
** Or more likely, because it's 2AM, with my internal editor nursing his last glass of snark before the rest of me goes to bed.
Breaking the silence was the first step toward repairing the damage. While that level of prolificism hasn't made its way here (as I'm notoriously bad at keeping up with public journals), the experience has resulted in a complete removal of the cynicism I've held toward spiritual discussion and the blanket classification of "otherkin" over the past decade. I'm coming to realize, after finding some approximation of community, that my views, experiences, and closely-held existential beliefs are strikingly common on a level I had not anticipated.*
Now, before I continue, this is a topic completely separate from discovering my own draconity and finding shared identity online. I made that discovery nearly eight years ago, after an additional four years of raking myself over coals on whether the issue was a meaningful part of my life.
Rather, this is an entirely horizontal experience -- finding, for the first time, that my cynicism isn't getting in the way of my better judgment. Suddenly, I can actually understand and appreciate what's being said in the draconic and spiritual sections of Dreamwidth, LiveJournal, et al.
While this discovery shouldn't surprise current readership, this is actually A New Thing for me. It stands as a personal shame that, being entirely too cynical to explore the journaling communities further (in 2003!), it took me seven years and a move to figure this out.
Suddenly, this flips me from worrying that an abstract "people" would out me as crazy (for any definition, they will, regardless of my views), to stumbling blindly into a well-defined audience that already knows exactly what I'm talking about. This leaves my opinions as also-rans, and myself with little to add to the conversation.
This is supremely frustrating for me, and stands as the top reason my journaling habits are so poor. It isn't that I lack things to say; I simply feel that, somewhere, someone has already said them far better than I.
Of course, I feel the same way about this post. I'm only letting it escape now, for my lack of finding a poorly-defined "somewhere," and simple need of advice.**
What are your views on the journaling draconic community as it currently exists, and how could a reformed cynic (and virtual-reality engineer) aid discussion in a way that wouldn't be noise?
---
* With the proviso that, yes, this could be my own form of confirmation bias, overly-aggressive inductive reasoning, or a similar misunderstanding on my part. I do not think this is the case, but with only conversation logs spanning to 2006 to back me up, it's difficult to tell.
** Or more likely, because it's 2AM, with my internal editor nursing his last glass of snark before the rest of me goes to bed.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-06 10:52 am (UTC)And this is where I believe your words are valuable - even if they're saying things that have been said before. Because you can be one more voice helping other people realise that their own inner voices aren't just fantasies - that they're part of a common understanding. I know I never tire of just coming across those core awarenesses, again and again, knowing that we're dreaming the same dreams and seeing snatches of the same structure.
With as (relatively) few dragons as there are, and even fewer who are willing to speak at length and in detail about these things, one more voice saying the "same" things (and no two voices are really the 'same" here: they all colour the experience a little differently, all have the potential to catch at a heart where someone else's couldn't) isn't nothing. It's everything.
I say that, if nothing else, it's valuable to boost signal. Because we have a signal that needs boosting, a collective voice that needs hearing. You may catch someone's attention where others do not, by virtue of speaking in your own words and your own space and your own time, where others' words were older and elsewhere, by elsewhom. I will be interested in hearing it, because the song of someone's self-identity is a beautiful thing to hear sung no matter how many times you've heard similar - and you will strengthen the choir.
Can't come to those realisations about how common your beliefs are without a mass of voices, after all.
And if you worry about having something unique to say - I wouldn't. Like I said, you'll be unique just by speaking as yourself, because everyone tells the stories a little differently. And if you speak enough, you'll find yourself saying things that others haven't said before, sooner or later.
(For example, I'd love to hear you talk more about what it felt like to shed your cynicism and actually grok what people were saying. And I think that would be valuable for others who've struggled with the meme that "cynicism = the only smart way to look at the world" to see, too. I know some who still struggle with fears in their heart that the cynics are right, who could do with it.)
no subject
Date: 2010-07-06 11:16 am (UTC)So, long story short, I like links to thoughtful things you may have found. :)
no subject
Date: 2010-07-06 11:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-07 04:56 pm (UTC)I'm not ignoring you; there've just been some medical-related issues that are binding my time on writing a decent response. Sorry about that!
no subject
Date: 2010-07-07 09:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-08 05:03 am (UTC)It's been an interesting couple of weeks which, for sake of protecting the innocent, won't be reproduced here just yet.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-08 06:20 am (UTC)(Heh, it's a sign of how long I've been around the 'kin community in some form or another that I interpreted that as your mate having a damaged bill, as in the bird kind....)
no subject
Date: 2010-07-08 04:59 am (UTC)And this is where I believe your words are valuable - even if they're saying things that have been said before. ... Can't come to those realisations about how common your beliefs are without a mass of voices, after all.
My primary concern is one of research, introspection, and my lack thereof. As you might expect, my fear of a poorly-defined "somewhere else" is directly related to this.
Put politely, my cynicism severely clouded my judgment over the past several years. This is why, reflecting back on my accomplishments and few snatches of writing, I have no enduring story -- just tiny, scattered diamonds in the sand.
When I actually go about fixing this, the task seems daunting to me. After all, I could have easily spent the past years in college and my early career figuring this stuff out. (Instead, I chose to spend it hiding in Second Life, which, while interesting in its own right, hasn't been nearly as valuable to me in hindsight. It was directly responsible for a surprise rendezvous with
Thus, it appears to me as if I'm an order of several years behind the curve of relevancy. Not for lack of trying, mind you, but for having focused on entirely the wrong things.
And if you worry about having something unique to say - I wouldn't. Like I said, you'll be unique just by speaking as yourself, because everyone tells the stories a little differently. And if you speak enough, you'll find yourself saying things that others haven't said before, sooner or later.
While uniqueness would certainly be a plus, perhaps I didn't speak precisely. I actually mean the combination of uniqueness and quality, which continues to elude me in my personal journaling.
This is, again, not for lack of trying. I simply spent my time elsewhere, and have a long way to go towards reaching competence.
(For example, I'd love to hear you talk more about what it felt like to shed your cynicism and actually grok what people were saying. And I think that would be valuable for others who've struggled with the meme that "cynicism = the only smart way to look at the world" to see, too. I know some who still struggle with fears in their heart that the cynics are right, who could do with it.)
Sheding the cynicism of several years was, in a word, liberating. In two, absolutely terrifying. And in three, just plain weird.
Instead of rambling on, I'd prefer to summarize this with a tarot analogy -- specifically, the Rider-Waitte depiction of The Hanged Man:
... which, in context, accurately conveys the need and desire for a new perspective.
I'm still winding down from being much too cynical, though. I will write about it, once my mind fully clears.*
(Also, let me know where you're finding these interesting posts and discussions! ... long story short, I like links to thoughtful things you may have found. :)
I'm finding them a bit here, a bit there, and more recently, whereever I chance to look. When I come across an interesting otherkin- or spirituality-related post, it tends to go straight to my Google Reader share.
In context, I'm talking about the small circle of people I read in journalspace (Read as: LiveJournal, DreamWidth, and scattered WordPress blogs. - Ed), many of whom I've read for several years and simply failed to understand. I tend to share those too, either by Reader, or by way of links in the few posts I write.
I'm also teasing at discussions I've had in person, which are becoming much more frequent. It helps to have local dragons to share your thoughts with! But, that is a topic for another day.
(Which includes general posts on spirituality as well, btw. And I shall stop cluttering your journal now.)
If you're interested in general spirituality and dare-I-call-it-New-Age, I highly recommend following Cat N' Owl. While their posts are distinctly slanted toward the practicing the tarot and Reiki, what's there is generally worth reading. The primary focus tends to be spiritual healing, intuitive studies, and interesting or clever methods of divination.
And by all means, clutter my journal if you have something interesting to say! I just can't promise to respond as rapidly as I'd like.
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* It's probable that my cynical outlook and my lack of sleep are directly correlated. Hopefully, fixing the latter will aid the former.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-08 05:38 am (UTC)I think that in itself, though - if you'll pardon my strange way of looking at what is, to you, a disadvantage - is something that makes what you have to say, right now, worthwhile. Because not everybody who's feeling out this path for themselves right now has been in the community for five, ten, or twenty years. Not everybody is at 301 level, talking about the concepts based on the concepts based on the interpretations of the nuances of the concepts. Some of them will be where you are, or before where you are, and will want to read things from your perspective.
I think worrying that it's "too late", that you could have and should have got into this earlier, is counterproductive. Say what you do have to say; it'll find its audience. And grow from there.
It sounds like your story is a unique one. I've seen plenty of otherkin who've been around for a decade or so, plenty of them who are just plain new to this, and a couple of them who believed once and faded into cynicism over time. I've never seen the story from the other side - someone who knew the concept was out there for years, but is only just patching things together due to prior cynicism.
And it interests me because in some ways, it mirrors my story: I'm someone who knew about the concept for years, but - not due to cynicism, but due to my lack of recognition that I wasn't going to have that definitive, "Eureka!" moment upon finding my identity, and that I just had to trust in what felt relevant without expecting a blinding flash of revelation - I've only explored it in myself in bits and pieces, and never been able to claim it as definitively as some.
But anyway, again, I don't think you need an enduring story of the past. I think what you have in this moment sounds like a great story: the stories of those who have fought their way out from under cynicism and realised there's something better on the other side are rarely told, and that alone is worth hearing in more detail, from my POV. I'm curious about what, specifically, you understand now that you didn't before, and how your prior viewpoint clouded you from understanding it. I think those things would be useful to people who are sitll clouded, and they would be interesting to me.
Thank you for the links, also! I will certainly browse through those.
Don't worry about rapid responses. Being welcome is more than enough!